Hello,
This Blog is mentioned in an article in the Toronto Star today. Also Harmony's poem from an earlier posting is featured prominently. You may access these online at:
http://www.thestar.com/article/625738 Also some of you may wish to read the Star article about Melodina from a year ago. It is on line at: http://www.thestar.com/SpecialSections/SickKids/article/347535http://
I have not written as much as I could on this blog recently. Life, while not really getting back to normal, is moving along. I'll not pretend that it is getting easier for Indira and I but we are slowly engaging in more activities and that is good. Everyone who has supported us in so many ways has helped us during this period of our lives.
My understanding and faith in people has remained strong because of you. I believe that everyone wants to be good, loving and kind. I believe that helping each other, supporting those in need in any way and generally contributing to making the world a bit better is human nature despite what the historians would have us believe. The hundreds and hundreds of people world wide who have helped us with their wishes and kind words as well as the many contributions to the Sick Kids Foundation in Melodina's name and the various other kindnesses shown to us have confirmed my understanding that this is the real nature of humanity. Keep it up. What you do is important. Thank you.
I am trying to write a report to the Board of Directors and CEO of Sick Kids detailing our experiences at the hospital and offering suggestions. It is Indira's, Harmony's and my hope that they will be able to use our intimate involvement in the day to day life of of the hospital to help make positive strides in their ongoing efforts to provide the best services and care to their patients and families possible.
I intend to continue writing in this Blog but for now the report to the hospital is my priority. Thanks for reading and thanks for being you.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
Thoughts
Today is Good Friday, April 10th, 2009. It is three months to the day since Melodina passed away. I still wake up in the night thinking what I will do with Melodina tomorrow. My wife, Indira, cries every morning and every evening. We know that if Melodina had lived her organs were so stressed that she would have lived the rest of her life with reduced function. We know that she was in constant pain for the final year of her life and we know that death must have been a blessing for her. Still we are left behind and we don't know why.
The psychologists list the stages of grief. If memory serves well I went through something akin to those classic stages of grief when my father died and again when my mother passed away. With the death of our daughter all rules are gone. There seems to be no common pattern. Everyone close to her is grieving in their own and markedly different ways. I am writing this posting to help both myself and others understand and to encourage other families to stay together. You may not understand how your spouse or child is grieving but rest assured they are. This is the time you will need each other. This is the time that only your deep love for each other can see you through. Somehow we must be able to love without judging others against the symptoms of our own grief.
I will be quite candid. My wife Indira finds that everything she sees reminds her of Melodina. Food reminds her that Melodina suffered and couldn't eat the things she enjoyed for the final year of her life. Or it reminds Indira that Melodina will never eat that food she used to enjoy so much again. No matter what we do Indira can only think that Melodina would have enjoyed it. Melodina is missing it. Indira feels guilty that we could not save our daughter.
On the other hand, I am trying to rely on my understanding of life. I have lived believing that we all have a purpose. With that in mind I try to understand that Melodina fulfilled her purpose for being born. I have tried my whole life to be a good person. I have tried to change myself and help others. In that I have been more or less successful. Perhaps I am not the best judge. But I do know that Melodina, without seeming to try, succeeded in changing her own life, in growing and developing into an example anyone could readily follow. She also helped and inspired hundreds of people at home and around the world. I find her life to have been positive and as short as it was it was complete.
What I am finding difficulty grasping is the purpose for my own life. I have always had a sense of purpose or perhaps it is more accurate to say that I have always been able to create a sense of purpose. Right now I have two holes in my life. The first is the loss of Melodina and the second is the loss of my own sense of purpose. I am trying to learn to live meaningfully again. I expect I will, over time find it easier to live without my youngest child. I don't think I will ever get over it but I should learn to live with it.
At any rate my wife and I are grieving differently. Our daughter Harmony and son in law Mike are each grieving in their own ways. At this stage we cannot always expect understanding from each other. We cannot expect to understand each other. Many families are torn apart by this lack of understanding while grieving for a lost child. I trust the fact that we love each other will be the cement that holds us together through this time. I am blessed to have a wife and children who do love and hallelujah - they love me!
It is difficult to understand why a child dies before its parents. We believe that that is not the way it's supposed to be. It is impossible for me to understand what it is like for a mother to lose a child. I cannot know what it is like for a sister to loose a sister so young. I can only hang onto love and hope that time will continue to bring change and that with that change will come understanding. I must remind myself daily that Melodina's life was incredible and full. I must remember that I have those who love me, no matter how much they are suffering and no matter how much pain they are feeling right now. My family is a blessing. They cannot always be there for me right now but with effort we can follow Melodina's motto of Strength and Courage and face tomorrow together. I am grateful!
The psychologists list the stages of grief. If memory serves well I went through something akin to those classic stages of grief when my father died and again when my mother passed away. With the death of our daughter all rules are gone. There seems to be no common pattern. Everyone close to her is grieving in their own and markedly different ways. I am writing this posting to help both myself and others understand and to encourage other families to stay together. You may not understand how your spouse or child is grieving but rest assured they are. This is the time you will need each other. This is the time that only your deep love for each other can see you through. Somehow we must be able to love without judging others against the symptoms of our own grief.
I will be quite candid. My wife Indira finds that everything she sees reminds her of Melodina. Food reminds her that Melodina suffered and couldn't eat the things she enjoyed for the final year of her life. Or it reminds Indira that Melodina will never eat that food she used to enjoy so much again. No matter what we do Indira can only think that Melodina would have enjoyed it. Melodina is missing it. Indira feels guilty that we could not save our daughter.
On the other hand, I am trying to rely on my understanding of life. I have lived believing that we all have a purpose. With that in mind I try to understand that Melodina fulfilled her purpose for being born. I have tried my whole life to be a good person. I have tried to change myself and help others. In that I have been more or less successful. Perhaps I am not the best judge. But I do know that Melodina, without seeming to try, succeeded in changing her own life, in growing and developing into an example anyone could readily follow. She also helped and inspired hundreds of people at home and around the world. I find her life to have been positive and as short as it was it was complete.
What I am finding difficulty grasping is the purpose for my own life. I have always had a sense of purpose or perhaps it is more accurate to say that I have always been able to create a sense of purpose. Right now I have two holes in my life. The first is the loss of Melodina and the second is the loss of my own sense of purpose. I am trying to learn to live meaningfully again. I expect I will, over time find it easier to live without my youngest child. I don't think I will ever get over it but I should learn to live with it.
At any rate my wife and I are grieving differently. Our daughter Harmony and son in law Mike are each grieving in their own ways. At this stage we cannot always expect understanding from each other. We cannot expect to understand each other. Many families are torn apart by this lack of understanding while grieving for a lost child. I trust the fact that we love each other will be the cement that holds us together through this time. I am blessed to have a wife and children who do love and hallelujah - they love me!
It is difficult to understand why a child dies before its parents. We believe that that is not the way it's supposed to be. It is impossible for me to understand what it is like for a mother to lose a child. I cannot know what it is like for a sister to loose a sister so young. I can only hang onto love and hope that time will continue to bring change and that with that change will come understanding. I must remind myself daily that Melodina's life was incredible and full. I must remember that I have those who love me, no matter how much they are suffering and no matter how much pain they are feeling right now. My family is a blessing. They cannot always be there for me right now but with effort we can follow Melodina's motto of Strength and Courage and face tomorrow together. I am grateful!
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